Monday, May 8, 2017

Getting to know myself.

If someone ever says they know themselves, truly and wholly, I would not believe them. I learn new things about myself everyday. Some things I think I have known for a while, but I have never truly realized their depth. I have never realized that animals are a legitimate addiction, even though I have known it for years.
My latest "these will be the last ones!" other than the fish, which tend to be okay since they don't add too much work.



I never realized that whenever I ask for a new pet, I always, always, say, "After this, I will not ask for more. My collection will be complete."
I realized that today when I asked Dad if I could get this little creature instead of a coldwater tank:

"Please, Daddy! If I still want it by the time it is my birthday, can't I have it instead of my coldwater tank? I could empty all the water out, and it wouldn't take much care."

What Dad said next went something like this:

"It is not another animal that bothers me, but that this is an addiction that cannot be satisfied. Do you realize that every animal you get is supposed to be the last one? The one you are satisfied with?"

This is not just for animals with me. I always seem to need more: more stuff, more friends, more crushes. Yup, guess what? I like a boy. When I want something or like someone, I become obsessed, infatuated. I don't look at the flaws of the person (we are going to use that as an example for now, it applies to anything, though), and end up having an idealized view of who this guy is. So, ya know what, I like this guy. Pretty sure he doesn't like me, but if he does, and is stalking this blog, then hey bro. You don't know if I like you or not, but that is ok. I don't know ya too well, or anything, but I do want to say I respect you. Anyways, I like this guy and all, and ya know, he is pretty cute, super sweet, and respectful towards girls, and obviously, a Christian. Well, maybe it shouldn't be considered obvious. I have liked people before who weren't Christian, but quickly realized that would never work. Okay, sorry, I keep getting off topic. So, while this kid is great, and I wouldn't mind dating someday, I put him on this sort of pedestal, and make him this, this person who I have become obsessed with. And maybe not as badly as with some other people, but still I have made his image something unattainable, which is not fair to anyone. It makes his image more important than his person, and I am always unsatisfied with how he acts, since in my mind, he is supposed to be perfect. 

I have realized why I am never satisfied, why I have a personality that makes me more prone to addictions: I am never satisfied because I label things to create them into a different being. and my biggest issue is, I don't know how to stop. 

A way I can do it with knowing a person is to look and show myself that they do have flaws, but I don't want to make an image that makes me think worse of them. That is not fair either. 

I guess that is why I am always unsatisfied with animals I get... I try to make them sound like the best thing ever to convince my parents to let me get them, and once I have them... my expectations are let down, and I am not satisfied. And I am not grateful. And I continue on with my addiction, trying to fill holes. I search for relationships, because I am a social person, to fulfill my needs, and while those help, I need to rely on God. So I guess when I am feeling unsatisfied, instead of wanting more, I should see how I can find my satisfaction in GOD, and in God alone. 

I still don't quite know how to do that, to go or even talk to God well, but maybe this post will help me start that. I will read my Bible more when I feel upset since I am single, and when I want another animal, go to god and enjoy holding or watching the ones I have already. 40+ pets are plenty! Hey, maybe I will still get a worm snake, cuz they are awesome, but finding my identity in getting more things and animals and people cannot be the way I live anymore. 

This post is un-edited, but it puts my thoughts out there for you all. I want it to be this way so you can follow what I am saying, and I do apologize for the grammar things and stuff, but i started to write this post to convince my Dad to let me have a snake, and left feeling more content with what I have, and while still wanting this animal and to have this boy like me back, not craving or relying on these things for me to be whole. I am glad I learned this while it was with animals and a healthy relationship before it could turn into alcohol, drugs, and sex. 

There ya go. Unfiltered me, hopefully letting God shine through.

God Bless, 

Amelia and Menagerie, content and able to sleep for once.