Monday, May 8, 2017

Getting to know myself.

If someone ever says they know themselves, truly and wholly, I would not believe them. I learn new things about myself everyday. Some things I think I have known for a while, but I have never truly realized their depth. I have never realized that animals are a legitimate addiction, even though I have known it for years.
My latest "these will be the last ones!" other than the fish, which tend to be okay since they don't add too much work.



I never realized that whenever I ask for a new pet, I always, always, say, "After this, I will not ask for more. My collection will be complete."
I realized that today when I asked Dad if I could get this little creature instead of a coldwater tank:

"Please, Daddy! If I still want it by the time it is my birthday, can't I have it instead of my coldwater tank? I could empty all the water out, and it wouldn't take much care."

What Dad said next went something like this:

"It is not another animal that bothers me, but that this is an addiction that cannot be satisfied. Do you realize that every animal you get is supposed to be the last one? The one you are satisfied with?"

This is not just for animals with me. I always seem to need more: more stuff, more friends, more crushes. Yup, guess what? I like a boy. When I want something or like someone, I become obsessed, infatuated. I don't look at the flaws of the person (we are going to use that as an example for now, it applies to anything, though), and end up having an idealized view of who this guy is. So, ya know what, I like this guy. Pretty sure he doesn't like me, but if he does, and is stalking this blog, then hey bro. You don't know if I like you or not, but that is ok. I don't know ya too well, or anything, but I do want to say I respect you. Anyways, I like this guy and all, and ya know, he is pretty cute, super sweet, and respectful towards girls, and obviously, a Christian. Well, maybe it shouldn't be considered obvious. I have liked people before who weren't Christian, but quickly realized that would never work. Okay, sorry, I keep getting off topic. So, while this kid is great, and I wouldn't mind dating someday, I put him on this sort of pedestal, and make him this, this person who I have become obsessed with. And maybe not as badly as with some other people, but still I have made his image something unattainable, which is not fair to anyone. It makes his image more important than his person, and I am always unsatisfied with how he acts, since in my mind, he is supposed to be perfect. 

I have realized why I am never satisfied, why I have a personality that makes me more prone to addictions: I am never satisfied because I label things to create them into a different being. and my biggest issue is, I don't know how to stop. 

A way I can do it with knowing a person is to look and show myself that they do have flaws, but I don't want to make an image that makes me think worse of them. That is not fair either. 

I guess that is why I am always unsatisfied with animals I get... I try to make them sound like the best thing ever to convince my parents to let me get them, and once I have them... my expectations are let down, and I am not satisfied. And I am not grateful. And I continue on with my addiction, trying to fill holes. I search for relationships, because I am a social person, to fulfill my needs, and while those help, I need to rely on God. So I guess when I am feeling unsatisfied, instead of wanting more, I should see how I can find my satisfaction in GOD, and in God alone. 

I still don't quite know how to do that, to go or even talk to God well, but maybe this post will help me start that. I will read my Bible more when I feel upset since I am single, and when I want another animal, go to god and enjoy holding or watching the ones I have already. 40+ pets are plenty! Hey, maybe I will still get a worm snake, cuz they are awesome, but finding my identity in getting more things and animals and people cannot be the way I live anymore. 

This post is un-edited, but it puts my thoughts out there for you all. I want it to be this way so you can follow what I am saying, and I do apologize for the grammar things and stuff, but i started to write this post to convince my Dad to let me have a snake, and left feeling more content with what I have, and while still wanting this animal and to have this boy like me back, not craving or relying on these things for me to be whole. I am glad I learned this while it was with animals and a healthy relationship before it could turn into alcohol, drugs, and sex. 

There ya go. Unfiltered me, hopefully letting God shine through.

God Bless, 

Amelia and Menagerie, content and able to sleep for once. 


Saturday, March 11, 2017

Beach

I just got back from the beach last night, and it was fantastic. I made new friends, got a bit of a sunburnt face, and almost came home with a new rooster (which was living in the wild of the island), as I need a bantam one. We couldn't catch it, though, so...  no rooster. I discovered new twenty one pilots songs, one of which is right here, and you need to listen to it:
Taxi Cab
I have started playing the ukulele, and apparently I don't completely stink at it, because everyone always tells me to keep playing. I have a grand total of eight songs written, but most of them don't have actual music to go with them yet.
I got to get back into fishing on this trip, and caught several needle fish, a yellow fin snapper, and some really pretty orange sea-bass looking fish. We didn't eat any because only one was barely big enough, and it was just too beautiful to kill. And I may just be a softie when it comes to killing animals... idk.
My new friends are awesome, and may or may not be reading this (Hi if you are! You guys are the best, and I can't wait to get to know you all better!), but I feel kinda bad because I teased them a lot, and I want to apologize for that. I normally tease my classmates like crazy, and they just tease me back, so I don't know where to stop. Oh, and here is another twenty one pilots song you must listen to:
Slowtown
So, anyways, you guys are all the best, and I hope I get to meet you again!
I may be getting two pet community finches soon, because my pet quail needs a companion, as her most recent one has passed on, and quail are just fragile.
 I am sorry for this post being all over the place, but that is how my life has been lately :P
Do you guys want to see some of my songs I have written? I may post one soon :D Yet another song for you to listen to because it is so very good:
Addict with a pen
Here are some pictures of stuff: